It’s A Family Affair

Disclaimer: This blog post is based on lived experiences and observations. Each scenario I mapped out I could directly or indirectly relate to. 

Something that has come to me in recent times as I go down this journey of healing and reflecting on all my relationships-platonic, romantic and familial is the impact of family. In my debut book, “Peace.Happiness.Love- A Journey To Healing”  I reflected on all of these. But I know there’s more behind what I briefly touched on. Have you ever heard the saying, “Keep family out of your business?” 

Well there’s a reason. Not everyone’s family is truly helpful or supportive. In fact family is oftentimes the first ones to assist in your destruction. ESPECIALLY if you have black sheep energy or you are kind hearted and caring. Families will use people like this. You are the black sheep because you look different, act different, make different choices outside of what your family feels you should do or be, have certain successes and it’s judged. It’s toxic. You are wanting to make decisions that you deem best for your life, ones that aren’t harmful yet family meddles in every aspect of it. Ultimately, isolating you and shunning you. You become the topic of discussion in the family group chat. Or at the family get togethers that you aren’t a part of. You are no longer comfortable in their space because of your differences. This leaves them feeling as though you think you’re better than everyone. So you’re being talked about in less than favorable ways. Your life choices are center stage. Is this you? Are you singled out in your family? 

Or what about the kind, big-hearted, caring person? The one that everyone uses to their advantage. You know, you have money so it’s always an ask. “Provide this, provide that.” No need to provide for you because you make more money and “You got them”. Or complaining when there is a need that you have because you’re supposed to have it. You have success, so they want to emulate yours or be a participant in your success because it’s a way to make them relevant. However, they envy your success. You have a home, so everyone deems your home as “the spot”. Where is the boundary? It’s non-existent. Because the moment you begin to speak up for yourself it comes with issues. So you choose to keep your emotions bottled in so as not to hurt your family. Something that you more than likely did for years. It’s toxic. Are you the big-hearted person in your family? Do you often feel taken advantage of? Like all the burden is on you? And as though you can’t vocalize how it makes you feel?

Don’t get me started on when you are embarking on your journey of healing and love. Listennnn, that’s when your families true colors come through. Healing to them means that you will more than likely grow. And distance will play a factor as you can not be in the same spaces. You are beginning to vibrate at a higher frequency or at least trying to. And love…hmph. Whether dating or married, those significant others will be tested. Hell, you WILL be tested. Family will insert their opinions on you, your choice, what to do, what not to do. And you at first believe it’s coming from a good space and in some instances it is. The black sheep more than likely not. Why? Because remember you don’t make good decisions in their eyes. So the entire relationship is an issue. And if you are showing happiness, here they come when you didn’t ask, with opinions. They may even go as far as to imply that the person you’re with is too good for you. Or the reverse, you’re too good for them. Like you can’t possibly find love and be happy. Not you, perhaps other family members can in their eyes, but you black sheep?, no there’s no one that can ever be good enough to be with you. The expectation of lower vibrational anyone that will keep you from growing is more ideal. So that it can be said, “See they don’t make good decisions.” But when you decide to disregard their opinions and live your life, you’re shunned even more. You can’t be controlled. You’re elevating.

Now as for the big-hearted person, good luck. Your family can and will ruin that too. You finally meet “Your Person” and it’s supposed to be all roses and peaches. Again here comes family- meddling, imposing. Theirs and yours. Everyone wants to get on well with your person in the beginning. You’re thinking wow they like them. Or they like me. You as the big-hearted person bear the responsibilities of everything in your family. So you might be the oldest, the one with the most going for them, or the most responsible one in your family. But now you have a relationship, which your family sees as an opportunity or a threat. If so and so takes this person seriously, what about us? How can we benefit? Do we benefit? Now there’s secret bitterness with you and resentment for your significant other. Intentional actions are in full force, causing disruption. Not the good kind of disruption where your good energy disrupts the bad energy. But the type of disruption that causes dysfunction. Anything to push your significant other out and away so that your family can have all your attention and not lose their place. This leaves you torn between building a new life and your family. There are times when the disruption works. And then you’re stuck wondering how I let this happen? You lose out on what was or could be all because of jealous, bitter, using family. And your lack of boundaries with them. In the instances where boundary crossing doesn’t work, kudos to you. Both the black sheep and the big hearted person. You freed yourself from your toxic family because you chose YOU.

If either of these family types resonate with you, it’s exactly why you keep family out of your business. You can’t share your successes with them because it breeds jealousy. You have to limit your help with them because it breeds complacency and suffocation. Who really wants to be suffocated in life because family doesn’t want you to grow past them? The only time family should ever have some involvement is when it’s so bad to the point of abuse. And even then, proceed with caution. Family should be neutral. Allowing you to go through certain things to learn the lesson needed. But never adding fuel to the fire. They meddle, it causes you to not think logically because you’re listening to too many voices instead of hearing from spirit. 

I don’t know how many times I've had to tell people, myself included, to tune out people. Solitude. Listen with your heart and spirit. Now this does not negate having an accountability person like a coach or advisor if you’re trying to overcome toxic family matters but that is often after having that space of solitude. You know that you are making good choices. Your family knows it too, that's why they come for you and those choices. They cause dysfunction because they’re unhappy with their own choices. Poor choices in that man or woman, poor choices in how they raised you, missed opportunities, and here you are, choosing to heal, to eat better, get fit, meet a great person and living out loud with your relationship, creating your own family, traveling, advancing your career, smashing goal after goal and they’re not. That’s not your problem. It doesn’t give them the right to black sheep you. Nor take advantage of your kindness. 

So my beautiful people, I leave you with this…

Get to checking! Check family egos at the door! You are the door. You are the portal through which family can get in and have reign over your business. You can respectfully address that meddling mom, that overbearing Dad, those jealous siblings, cousins. Hell the whole family can be jealous, check ‘em! When you have the courage to let that family member know, hey this is my life, my relationship, my home, my money, my kids you will see so much growth in your own life. A family that wants to see you happy and at peace, is a family that knows their place. And respects you. And anyone attached to you outside of them. They will encourage, they will support you, and they will give you the tools needed in life. They won’t hold you back, emotionally, spiritually, physically, nor financially. You’re not leaving them behind. You are simply looking to LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE by your OWN rules, NOT theirs. They’ve lived their lives. It’s time you live yours.

If you are the family member to anyone of these types of people stop! What is in you, that makes you target your own family? What is it that you haven’t healed that makes you afraid to let go of your family and the life they are choosing to live? If you are the target- HEAL. What’s stopping you from setting boundaries with family? What stronghold do they have over you? I am finding that families have some unhealed areas, traumas that they are imposing on their loved ones. Making it hard for them to move forward in life. But the more you connect with spirit you will break free of those strongholds and create the necessary boundaries. There’s ascension at the other end of the path!